My friend Jack Wild has started this new business/website - check it out if you've got a sexual partner or are in a relationship:

 

 

I remember when this idea was in development and it captured my interest (if I had a partner - not much fun on your own!!) Hope it brightens the day of you and yours!

 

Have fun much

Terry

x

Well after the last entry, my car died! And I got a speeding ticket! Then on my birthday (Tuesday) my daughters car got stolen. We've gone from 3 vehicles between us to one! So she's got the Bongo for work and I have no car, no phone and no money! Aarggh! But I'm not bothered as they say! It just means that things will get better and then I'll be more appreciative of stuff. We all a need a bit of deprivation sometimes and I'm living on old packets of food left in the back of the cupboard because it is that bad. It is! But I can eat meals for 20p a day and that is good and makes me feel proud of myself. Todays meal is spicey carrot and orange soup with jamaican dumplings. I bought reduced kilo of carrots for 35p and had an onion and a bit of leftover orange juice from friends visit. I bunged in some chilli powder and a manky celery stick I had laying around and it's all good. I could even produce a recipe book on it "How to eat healthily on £5 a week" or somesuch. The jamican dumplings are easy and delicious. Self-raising flour mixed into a dough with water and then rolled into flat balls and slowly fried for about 10 mins on both sides. Cut in half and spread butter on like rolls. Lovely and they cost 5p per person to make. So this food will last me 3 days and I can freeze some if I get bored with it. Last night I had 2 potatoes which I cooked as wedges in the oven with oil for about 30 mins and made a rather nice cheese and tinned tomato omelette - all good (cost = 75p).

 

I wonder what the cheapest meal could be? It's got to be the dumplings with a nettle soup. I'd need an onion and some salt and that should do it (sounds nasty though and where's the protein?). Ok nettle soup with lentils (yuk). But it is edible and would cost only 15p! Bargain!

 

Now kitchen is flooding! Blimey - must go.

 

T

x

Oh dear! I got extremely drunk the other night - still recovering. onsidering I don't really drink, I don't quite know what happened! One drink led to another and all the time I was chatting out with the girls and then the puking and passing out started - in the pub of all places. I'm a tad embarrassed! And god knows what I said to people. Apologies if you were there and were offended.

 

My car broke down Wednesday and had to be towed home. I had no money to fix it. The girls came over and we decided to have a nice drink in a pub beer garden to take advantage of the sun in the afternoon. It then ended up like the "Smack my bitch Up" video. I was wandering round the pub stroking the shirts of random people and being in love with everyone (which is what happens). Next thing who should walk in but...

 

Tranman of the Bar - I try to snog him, he won't let me as he is now seeing someone (which is nice) so I then decide to see how far I can go (ooh deary me) and then try hugging, feeling his rather sexy leather mini skirt he's wearing and groping his false breasts (oh dear oh dear the shame of it!) He tells me that he is finding it all hard to resist (which is nice).

 

Then who do I see him talking to by the loos: The Fangman. Yes, nearly a year and now he reappears looking very fine and dandy indeed indeed. They do not know each other at all but are chatting.

 

After a while I am flirting with the Tranman again when Fangman comes and taps me on the shoulder and wants to talk. It's all friendly and nice and he wants me to come roumnd his house sometime and be friends kinda thing. He takes my number. He then chats up a woman who tried to pick a fight with me once who I now aviod! What's going on??

 

I then puke in loos and get taken home puking out the car window all the way. Still puking at lunchtime the next day. Phone is lost so I have no messages. Now incommunicado and trouble with broadband to boot.

 

Also I am talking to a friend in the pub (same night) who ran into the Dickman that day and he sent some coded message about still going to China. I know what this means. It means he's sorry and he cares for me but China comes first for now. Which is ok.

 

I also have a date with a new man today - which is bad timing for such a thing and I'm nervous. Mind you he is talker so I can do more listening than is usual. As usual, I shall only report on this if he is astoundingly deranged as the rest are  - well unique individuals then (to be more polite). But no matter what, I do have quite a lot of love for these men and would be there if they were in trouble - and they know it. And maybe they are there just a little for me when its needed - out of the blue. I was given a small gift by Fangman which touched me deeply and was a clear peacemaking gesture of his new understanding of me.

 

Much love to all you crazy men out there

And a massive hug to all women who manage to deal with them!

 

kisses

Terry

x

 

PS Sorry about the pics but it had to be done!!

Hi!

 

No, I haven't been doing anything wildly exciting!

 

No travelling!

 

No boyfriends!

 

No parties!

 

Just pets! Got a lovely new dog (as well as the cat) but alas I had to give him away as I could not look after him. I named him Lunar as I found him wandering about at 2am on a coutry lane - he was lost and fightened so I took him home. That was after me and the girls went for a naked moondance under the eclipsed moon - great it was!

 

A friend and I are now going to thailand and Cambodia in Jan 2008 and I shall nip off to Oz for a while then come back India direction but for some reason it doen't excite me. I now it should but I worry about what I will come back to. Maybe nothing.

 

Enough of this depressing talk! I shall write again with somethng interesting to sy - hopefully - something creative.

 

Hugs

T

x

 

 

 

 

I've got the travel bug for sure and am now getting my skill level up and my ideas for where to go and what to do and how to do it in check.

 

Ankhor What - one of my "Things to to do before I die" is looking tasty! I have made some contacts and enquiries. Flights from London to Seam Reap in Cambaodia are about £600 return. Once there there are many obstacles to travelling alone. Aggressive beggars, language difficulties and corruption are but a few. So I think a giude would be needed. Found one who will arrange to drive me around the country and arrange accommodation and include food - all for £600 which I think is steep for 8 days. Thr total trip cost would then be £1200. Rather dear plus I would be alone and might not get on with the guide day-in and day-out.

 

So looking for other travel options. I was looking for a singles group trip but you have to buy flights from UK first and thats what bumps the price up.

 

I shall plug away. Unless anyone of you wants to go as a group and we can organise our own tip at a cheaper cost!

 

Terry

x

For those that are near to me, this will explain my recent strange behaviour:

 

Power of the Unseen Mars in your career zone is trying to create tangible and measurable results, Terry, but you may also find yourself pitted against forces that seem to be beyond your present control. Mercury, Venus, and Uranus all are in your twelfth and spiritual zone, which is going to bring events out of the blue. You may find your dreams to be very vivid and that inspiration and revelation become your constant companions. It is also possible that you could be working out some karma in one way or another, and you will sense when this is happening. There is a lot of mystical energy that is working through you and encouraging you to think about who you are and where you are going. Jupiter in Sagittarius is encouraging you to venture forth and learn more about yourself by traveling in consciousness as well as going on long journeys. Expect to meet people who may have a very non-materialistic agenda, especially on Thursday when the Sun conjuncts Neptune in your social zone. You could hook up with artists, playwrights, dreamers, poets, and spiritual pioneers. Although you may not succeed in getting a lot of practical work done you will harvest some fabulous ideas.

Just thought I'd include some info about this event as it's very radical and a life-changing experience. I will go when I have a group of people to go with! (Watch this space!) Read on...

 

The Burning Man festival[1] is an annual event started in San Francisco in 1986 and moved to the harsh and unforgiving Black Rock Desert of Nevada in 1990, where it continues today. The event happens each year in late August and early September, during the week before Labor Day weekend and over the weekend itself. 30,000 plus artists, partiers and weirdos converge on the desert location -- otherwise empty throughout the year -- to create a temporary city on the desert lake bed ("The Playa"). The event culminates on Saturday night when the event's eponymous mascot -- a 50-foot-tall anthropomorphic statue known affectionately as The Man -- is set on fire in a huge bacchanalian party.

The Burning Man community, although widespread and anarchic, has some guiding principles, codified in somewhat hackneyed catch phrases, that make the event manageable and possible. First and foremost is the concept of self-sufficiency. With few exceptions  there is No Vending of any kind in Black Rock City. Attendees are expected to bring along all their own food, water, shelter and any other supplies they need to live in the desert during the week. Most attendees are helpful and generous, but travellers should do as much research as possible before leaving for the desert in order to be ready.

An extension of this principle is the Leave No Trace policy; all attendees are expected to clean up any and all trash they create, including burned material, cigarette butts, sawdust or peanut shells. In previous years leftover detritus at the site of the event has caused alarm for the federal officials who provide the permits for it, and a strict policy of absolutely zero tolerance for leftover trash is needed to keep the event alive.

Burning Man is organized by a small group of volunteers and paid employees of the Burning Man organization, who deal with the local, state and federal officials in charge of the desert region, and who provide most of the infrastructure services such as emergency medical care and media relations. According to the principle of No Spectators, however, all Burning Man attendees are expected to participate in some way: by making art, by doing performances, by doing volunteer work, or just by being freaks. The idea is that spectators would feel no ownership -- or the consequent responsibility -- for the event, while participants will consider the event their own, and will act as responsibly as if they were throwing the party themselves. In fact, they are! There's some "us vs. them" feeling between participants and the "Org", but by and large the No Spectators concept ensures smooth operation and wide participation.

Lastly, the community encourages radical self-expression. There's an "anything goes" atmosphere, pretty much only limited by legal and safety concerns as well as respect for other participants. Nudity is widespread -- although many participants will decorate their bodies with paint or ornaments -- and drug use, although by no means mandatory, is common. Most art projects on the Playa have an element of danger -- the use of fire in art is quite common, as well as explosives or other dangerous substances. Many participants speak later of the life-changing nature of the Burning Man experience -- that the experience of self-expression changes the way they look at the world.

The City itself is laid out in a circle -- centering on the Man -- about one and a half miles in diameter. The center of the circle is empty desert, punctuated by large art installations. Participants live on a series of 6-8 circular streets that ring the outer edge of the circle; about 20 radial streets cross these at various points. The inner 2-3 streets are reserved for registered theme camps -- groups who build large structures and installations with a particularly "interactive" point. Theme camps are open to the public for investigation and use; a typical theme camp has 20-50 members, but some grow to hundreds of campers. Some groups of theme camps agglomerate into villages, which usually share an overarching meta-theme.

The street names change each year, based on the theme of that year's event. Combined with the fact that the city is torn down and rebuilt each year, so that different services and theme camps are located at wildly different places in the city, this makes for a lot of disorientation and difficulty in finding friends and cohorts. Participants argue that this can make travelling around the City more adventurous; it definitely leads to serendipitous discoveries. The night of the annual burning of the Man, volunteers take away all existing street signs, making navigation even more confusing.

Some things are constant, though, in an unofficial way. The radial streets are usually labelled according to clock time (e.g., "10:00" or "4:30"), and spaced about every half-hour. A large circular village known as Center Camp is (almost always) located at 6:00 on the circle; most of the Burning Man organizations services are located here. Other villages are usually placed near 9:00 and 3:00. The innermost circular street -- which looks out directly to the central desert area -- is called The Esplanade; most of the bigger theme camps line this street. And, of course, The Man is always dead in the center of the City -- a convenient landmark.

The Black Rock Desert is an extremely harsh environment. Temperatures are regularly over 100 degrees Fahrenheit, with no natural shade, and almost zero percent humidity. Hundreds of Burning Man participants are treated for dehydration every year; all attendees should drink about 4 liters of water per day, one of which has added electrolytes. More important survival information is available in the Burning Man Survival Guide, a copy of which is given to each participant.

 

Blimey! Eh?! Exciting innit? Tickets now available for about £170 for 5 days and you'll have to get a flight to Reno, Nevada (£500 return from Heathrow) plus transport to the site (Green Tortoise Bus or plane) - tricky to plan but I'm looking into it.

See more on: http://images.burningman.com/index.cgi?image=28433&results=28584,28575,28565,28562,28546,28515,28507,28499,28498,28455,28438,28433,28428,28408,28395,28392,28389,28379,28359,28355&ord=12/839&skip=0&q_photog=&q_category=art_cars&q_keyword=&q_year=

Wanna come?

T

x

 

 

 

Blimey, just when things look to settle in for another 2 years of celibacy (I exaggerate), more boat rocking to commence.

 

Men! Funny things they are! Tranman now seems more trusting, less cool and a tad more sexually interested and is obviously keen. But as you know I am used to that so it does not impress me. He has lodged an appeal on a technicality! It's not an appeal - it's a re-trial as he did not get a fair hearing before I suspect.

 

I'm not sure I like the way it's all going though. Shouldn't he be concerned that I am not chasing him? Where's his pride? Makes me cynically think he's desperate. Surely he can get someone else? Attractive man like that in his prime - would be an excellent catch to most young women (well open minded young women what with the trannying). I just don't get it. I cynically (again) just think he likes the thrill of the chase and always gets what he wants - just like my ex's who got bored when I reciprocated my feelings and then promptly left. No wonder I have trust issues!

 

As you know folks I don't play games and am foolishly honest, so I can't pretend anything that isn't real.

 

Anyway on to more important matters - summer planning now taking place! Events this years so far are:

 

Glasto Fest

Notting Hill Carnival

Wales Festival of Reggae

Beautiful Days Festival

Sunrise Festival

Ashton Court Festival

A holiday abroad (I wanna do Ibiza but no one else does so far)

Camping in Exmoor

A day out punting and messing about in boats in Oxford for the girls - incl strawbs and champagne

A groovy 60's hippy garden party

 

I am also seriously thinking about travelling again. Waiting for suitable friends or a boyfriend to materialise to go with is just not working. I've spent 3 years now waiting for this magic to happen and it just aint so will have to go myself on my tod. The idea terrifies me. Especially as I don't want to go to all the usual places like europe but want to go to India, Thailand, Vietnam and Madagascar. It's a mystery as to how to go and come back in one piece and have a good time whilst being so cautious and sensible - it rather defeats the object really.

 

Cat and poet lodger doing well, plus my daughter has moved in. So I now have a full house = less time on the net.

 

I'll stick some interesting things on soon to make up for my slackness of late!

 

Also have added a pic of my stupid Christmas costume as I didn't put it on before. This is not me in it - I looked worse!!

 

Love to you all

Terry

x

The said man has been judged today by TantricLady as being unfit for the task at hand!

 

In a suprise turn-around it was decided that Tranman would be dismissed without grounds for appeal. Having not been found guilty or not guilty an acquittal is seen as natural justice in action.

 

TantricLady today was quoted as saying: " He was a very nice person and there is no evidence to the contrary, but neverthless the jury has elected by majority verdict that he is not fit for the role in which he had mistakenly applied. That is, per se, to be the boyfriend of the said TantricLady!"

 

The evidence for the prosecution includes witness testimony of the defendants over-tidiness and attention to trivial detail! Also a noted lack of interest in general fun and particularly sex. His role in the legal profession and working long and unusual hours is seen as being the root cause of his lack of overall zest. 

 

Therefore this judge concludes, of this relationship: Death by Misadventure. The case is closed.

 

T

x

Hi!

 

I have been too busy of late to write. Not because of any disasters or events of major importance just hectic. This is mostly due to organising for my Groovy Christmas Party happening tonight!!

 

I have maxed up on Christmas decorations and lighting and compiled an excellent tracklist featuring tv themes mixed in with the usual party tunes (well, high-end party tunes of quality I should add!). Sexy Santa will be appearing - she is my rather large breasted friend who will be offering lucky dip gifts from her cleavage and I have a Bad Boy Santa who will be offering his gifts down his trousers! I have the suits ready!

 

It is going to be "Fantasy Dress" - "Dress To Express" and anything will go! There is a prize for Best Fancy Dress and Most Depressing - so that will be interesting for the ones who like to dress down - let's see how far down they'll go!! My son has decided he's going as a homeless person - I think he's going for the Most Depressing prize - but it is part of Christmas in Britain now (seeing homeless people about). Someone else is going to go in chinese costume and I might have a Hitler and a pimp so we shall see. My outfit is utterly ridiculous and I laughed as soon as I saw it! I shall upload a pic after the event as it is a suprise for now!

 

This time of year is also a time I find for missing loved ones far away or gone. When buying the Christmas food and presents we think of those we would like to see and cannot and it makes their loss all the more poignant. This week has been like that for me. As I have no family apart from my 2 kids, I have a lot of people to miss. I think Christmas also makes us remember past Christmas's and the good and bad times then. I had 2 close bereavements over Christmas's past and so it is always a difficult time for me. This year is the first proper Christmas that I haven't been in a relationship. Last year I was just shell shocked at being single and just "got through it". This year I'm deliberately making an effort and pushing the boat out. I realise how fragile my single existence is and how a partner can undermine special things that make me happy and give me years of a half-dead existence and I don't want that!

 

Since last blogging sesh - I've got a cat called Jessie (couldn't tell it's sex but I've settled on it being a boy now!) It is a charming little nuisance and is totally lovable and is now the centre of attention at home here! It tried to practice tree climbing on my houseplant and caused a disaster as it is a huge animal - largest cat size possible I reckon. The plant dirt went everywhere and it broke my lava lamp in the process! It is white with black markings and has a marking on its forehead like a Hitler fringe!! It won't eat proper meat just tinned food - not even fresh cod so that's easy then!

 

I also have a lodger - Craig. He is/was homeless and is a writer and very self-sufficient and easy to live with and out a lot! He has a space which I shall link you to if he's happy with that. He has a couple of poetry books out and has not had a flat for 3 years as his writing comes first so he sofa surfs - very interesting. He does a lot of performance poetry in Bristol so keep your eyes out for his monthly residency night and his one-offs.

 

 

More news of party shananigans after the event!

 

Happy Shopping!

Tarra

Terry

x

 

Well hello there!

 

I am having a nice quiet slightly middle-aged time of late and it's doing me some good! Listening to lots of classical music and reading interesting things, enjoying the autumnal evenings by the fire and surrounding myself in fuffy things and nice food! Have put on some weight too (which ain't a bad thing) and eating proper dinners each day.

 

Party scene is very quiet at the moment. All of my friends seem to have got their winter boyfriends sorted and I am the only one single! It's true. I'm feeling a little left out but I have been journeying inwards to productively use the time. Have had some really interesting chats with interesting new people who are artistic in nature and quite deep so that keeps me going!

 

Can't help but miss the summer though. Whenever I see the early sunsets it reminds me of the great festival sunsets of the summer and the noise and dancing and drums and excitement of heading onto the central arena as the band warms up to play with all the night heat and randomness of strangers - I miss it! 

 

I cannot for the life of me meet any interesting men - I dunno where they all are! Not for dating purposes anyway. I do miss not having a proper cuddle and random acts of love! But that time will come again and when it does I shall be ready and fighting fit! Saying that, I have had a feeling this last few days that a man will suddenly and unexpectedly arrive in my life. He is at the moment busy elsewhere - I know this, I can feel it. I have never been wrong before. When the time comes (not long - it'll be about Christmas time) he will appear in a blaze of colour and I shall not know what's hit me (now scared!!). I will have to be careful because he will want more than I am prepared to offer and so some careful negotiations will have to take place - it will be interesting and a test of my readiness to have a fuller relationship than I have had before. Mark my words! I will keep you updated my friends!

 

Not heard from Dickman at all but I can feel he is in a place of regret and is missing me and wanting me to contact him so he doesn't lose face - No Way Hose! His loss, his life now. I feel nothing much about it - just sorry for him cos I got away but he has to live with himself - poor man. Many pennies have dropped about how he really saw me and his lack of true honesty and integrity - not that he was dishonest he just has no way of measuring true honesty - has no concept of it. I like to think that maybe he learnt something with me - well certainly in the early days.

 

Have had a few problems with friends though - some being duplicitous and conniving. I am subtely tackling this and investigating further and dropping lessons in for them as chatting doesn't seem to work. Easing off I find helps as then they notice somethings wrong and start checking themselves.

 

Started getting interested in creative writing again so watch out! I may post some poetry on here- be warned!!Hahah!

 

Big hug to you all

Keep the inner light burning on these dark winter days.

Not long to the Winter Solstice - Dec 22nd! I'm planning already!

Yours

T

x 

I've been thinking about this today and yesterday. It is a thorny issue.

 

Decided I need some male closeness of the sexual variety but ... I don't want to/ cannot just shag someone - it's boring and nasty. I would like to have some love with someone but not get bogged down and doe-eyed and committed (not fair on the man if he's wanting more) and I am NOT giving up my fun with my friends or reducing it too much. So any man that can squeeze his persona in amongst this lot would get my vote and I would probably chase and pursue and enjoy the catch! But I know of none like that. All the men I know are much younger (26-32) and therefore are still in their "baby years" of waiting for a perfect young girl and babies etc so I wouldn't want to scuff that up for them (and me). Plus they are a tad "rabbit in the headlights" with me and are happy followers which makes me the natural leader which is rather exhausting! I only know about 3 men my age and they are  (sorry but it's true) - Old (yes with a capital O). They have forgotten about dancing and "getting out there" and are clinging on to a safe life which is not my thing at all.

 

But a date would do me no harm even though it can be despiriting when an endless parade of nice men suddenly reveal their penchant for (here goes the list):

 

1. Controlling behaviour of the bad dad variety i.e. "Don't you think you should quieten down a bit and relax more?" My answer to that is "No fuck off! Just cos they wanna see me squeeze into their small life space!

 

2. "Wow I'm so interested in shagging an older woman for a novelty" - yeah just cos you is between potential wives - fuck off!

 

3. "I am here for whatever you want just txt me - I dunno what I want but I'm sure you could fill my empty gap in my life" - No fuck off!

 

4. "I have really bad problems and I need someone like you to straighten me out" - Well it depends if you can give me what I want in return. Can you be fun and exciting?  - probably not with those mental problems so fuck off. Unless you are tormented artist with a deep and dark soul (I like them they are fun) as long as we can be random together and know it's not forever (God I am grim and cynical mmm not good attitude for dating eh? Hahaha!)

 

So I guess now ain't the time yet then - Oh what a wonderful thing self-blog counselling is!! I might have saved a man's life with this blog entry!!

 

If I was to date and find someone I could have some happy love with he would have to have the attitude of "I do my thing and I am a bit crazy - you do yours too and maybe we can sometimes put it together and see what happens cos I don't care too much about having to have my way as long as I get what I need I can forego what I want" which is actually what I'm like so I should be dating myself!!!! That's a sign I aint ready - needing more me-love time innit?!

 

Oh gawd!!

 

 

Chow for now my dears and hugs to y'all!

 

T

xx

 

 

My God it was a stonker of a party!

 

After getting everyone to the house and the food sorted, more arrived and more arrived and then the bonfire was lit which went up a treat - in fact much to my chagrin the hose pipe has to quell the flames from burning down the neighbours fence - it was a 7ft high ball of white hot searing fire - but boy was it roaring and good (some got scared - not me though I loved it!)

 

Then the fireworks were lit over about an hour period. One very large rocket went a bit wrong and did not lift much (enough) into the air and just exploded about 10ft above our heads - that was cool! Some ran for cover but I loved it also!

 

Then it really started to warm up - the crazy dancing party people headed upstairs for my club-room and we danced like demented people (well I did!) in bra's and bikini tops to happy hardcore, DnB and gay disco/house and loved it. I did go on a frenzy with outrageous dancing to DnB and it refreshed me no end! I did not drink much (2 vodka's) so I could "kick it" all night!

 

Some of us went out to the garden (it was cold and foggy) and I danced round bonfire in bikini top and covered in glo-sticks - nice! Very nice under the full moon an all (this was personal favourite with the girls).

 

We had vodka jelly and sprayed squirty cream over each other and danced up in the club room until number thinned about 3.30am.

 

Dickman sat in corner chatting a bit and getting caned on weed all night so I ignored him in favour of having a good time at my party.

 

Went to bed at 4 with about 6 houseguests dotted around the place. Dickman slept on sofa with cartoons on (which was weird). Next day he said he did not enjoy the party (?), did not like the people (??) and did not want to see me again and I like them (???) so I took him home and told him he was a twat and that he was boring anyway and I had realised that the choice I had at the party of sitting getting caned with him or dancing being free and happy was preferable so he was welcome to piss off and be a silly boy on his own with no friends. That was at 11am Sunday morning and I aint heard nothing or anything from him since! What a Dick! And I feel fine about it cos I had a much better time with my pals than with his unsatisfying promises of having some sort of good times together which never pans out. Good luck to him in his little life I say (he wanted me to help him organise his Christmas party but now he will have no guests as he was going to borrow mine! Now he is left with his 2 mates and their partners = 5 people - Twat!)

 

Since then, I have decided to have a massive Christmas Party - Massive!!! Complete with:

1. Sexy Santa - guests have to extract a small lucky dip gift from her person! (cleavage in case your wondering!)

2. Random Gift - Each person brings a £3 gift which they have to present to a person I have previously selected on a list.

3. Bonfire

4. Fantasy Dress - Dress to Express

5. Singles and Couples Badges - to help the chat-up process along!

6. DJ's (it was a bit much for me doing two rooms at once and hosting!)

7. OTT Christmas Decorations!  (But tasteful)

 

Also I'm having a Girls Love Night soon. This is where me and my closest sexy women friends get all dolled up in evening gowns and have a romantic meal at my house and dance to romantic music and sleep-over with much niceness and cuddling etc (well if we don't who will?Ha Ha!)

 

So life marches relentlessly on into a future of fun!

 

Thanks Dickman - you showed me the door and I took the chance to set me free! Enjoy China.

 

Love to you all.

Terry 

xx

Hi there!

 

I decided to have a big bonfire party as there wasn't much on and people seem to be getting a bit quiet and hibernating this time of year so I thought I should liven up the scene.

 

Wish all my net friends could come but I know you all too far away so I will update you on news etc as it happens!

 

Busy busy from today till Sunday now I expect!!

 

Today: Housework, Firewood for giant bonfire, booze, lighting (glo-sticks, fairy lights, outdoor candles)

Tonight: Lighting and sound testing (mini party to get it right!)

 

Tomorrow: Chopping up of old wooden things for firewood and the construction of a Burning Man! Yes me and ex are going to build a giant (not too big) man and decorate him with UV and stuff and then set light to him at start of the party!

 

Then food shopping and last minute tidy. Girls night out Friday night followed by clubbing till 2 (might come home earlier at 1 if need to)

 

Saturday: Food prep, finishing Burning Man project and then the UV last mnute touches all around the house. Then pub and lifts back for 10pm party start.

 

Sunday: Supposed to be clearing up but traditionally this is half-hearted and all slumbering peeps found the next day get dragged to pub for sunday roast and afternoon film on my big screen (last 2 parties ended when they went home at 8pm Sunday!)

 

Oh and fire poi person will demonstrate in the garden before fire lit.

 

2 party rooms plus garden with 2 lots of music to cater for all styles so that'll be good (metal/goth/rock v dance/reggae/DnB)

 

AND I shall have my vid cam ready so be prepared for some footage (if my technology works!)

 

Now... what to wear? Mmm - anwers on a postcard please!!

 

Thank you to those who leave comments on my site - I really enjoy reading them and knowing that I'm not talking to myself here!

 

O Happy me!

 

Terry

xxx

 

P.S Don't worry my Burning Man will not be 30ft tall as in the pic not for my 40ft garden!!

 

 

 

Well just to update.

 

I am back with the Dickman much to my own suprise. Feeling like a failure though which isn't logical. We decided that we would have a "random" relationship = no rules. We see each other when we want, we do what we want when we want and to whom we want (yes quite!). We both feel past caring - which seems odd but we just seem to not be able to get away from each other or just shut up and be friends - too much damn chemistry for that. The chemistry (there should be a better metaphysical name for it) seems all around us even when we don't see each other for weeks or months - it just won't go away. We both independently wake up at 3am thinking that the other is upset or ill and when we txt we are usually right. I txt him a week or so ago and told him to stop it at 11 at night because I could not concentrate on my film I was watching - I knew he was thinking about me "heavily". Why he asked "how did you know?" I don't know - he should be used to it by now.

 

Anyway feeling a teensy bit trapped (yes thats not logical either I have more freedom than anyone I ever heard of) I am avoiding him this week and keeping busy despite the odd bout of knowing he's wishing I called. Each time (twice) he then called within 5 mins for a chat. We chat - well he chats and I go cos of being busy.

 

As for the issues mentioned previously relating to a) his ex-partner - well he's only sees her once a week now and just out of duty b) money - he is paying her less and planning it's end c) he has no time for us -- he has too much time for us now - I have to keep my distance and sanity so I'm seeing him once or twice a week and no more at present. He'll have to do with that until my trust is up to a level where I know I can relax more. After all, he still hasn't had kids yet that he wants so much (which was why he dumped me last time).

 

Mind you, lots of past things and memories and issues have surfaced in my mind so I like to think some good is coming of it. I am now realizing that I am not as perfect as I thought at relationships and have done some not very nice and selfish things in my past relationships without even realising it. The grizzly skeletons are revealing themselves quite nicely.

 

I am taking this to be another adventure of the inward kind - an inner journey - that takes the edge of it.

 

But suprisingly for me, I don't feel less lonely. Thought I would but whilst my trust is damaged then that'd be natural I guess. I know his and my limits and to be honest it's a painful truth. And it's not just him - anyone, everyone, no-one can provide me with what I need - they can just take the edge off a bit, share the laod a bit. I still have to deal with me and my monsters. A very shocking revelation, especially when I knew all this years ago and felt I had dealt with it. This time its deeper and I am really feeling it.

 

At least I get sex (and damn good sex at that) so it's not all bad!! Plus a best friend thrown in who I know I can count on in a crisis (depending on his abilities at the time but the will is there).

 

Outstanding issues are:

 

1. He seems averse to going out and doing things - likes to sit indoors a lot - rather dull.

2. He is going to China next year (Jan 2008) or sooner (July 2007) initially for a year but may never come back. Hence the low-level of this situation and inherent gloom. Also it's what prompted me to get involved again - I could not forgive myself if I did not have this time with him. Even if he comes back - he won't be the same after a year in a Shaolin monastery.

3. His bloody drug taking - why he's determined to burn his candle at both ends while he can before the China/Buddhist thing is a mystery to me - shouldn't he be preparing/purifying whatever? I avoid him when he's high as it's not a nice sight.

4. What will happen if he/I find someone else? Well that will be interesting. I am still single - just can't be bothered to date - the devil you know and all that. Other women flirt with him constantly but luckily he never notices it. If he did and acted on it then he would be in trouble because he would not be able to stop seeing me (I know that) so that would be interesting as he's never been unfaithful in his life (well not sexually anyway).

 

Watch this space to see how Dickman conducts himself.

 

When we were planning marriage in our previous "proper" relationship he was the Dragon and I was his Phoenix. Now we'll see if I rise from the ashes Phoenix style or if I crash n burn Kentucky Fried Chicken style!

 

I see him on Friday - last saw him Sunday so not addicted quite yet!!

 

Happy times to you all

 

Terry

x

 

 

For no apparent reason! Just wondering why love don't love me or something like that and how to forget the whole damn stupid issue once and for all.

 

There are wars, death and disease and yet we still go around thinking "how can I find someone to love me" etc etc. I get fed up of my own brain sometimes! Especially when perfectly nice, decent men seem keen to get closer to me, yet I am reluctant (that's an understatement) to get involved. Mostly because of the age difference. They are in their 30's and I don't want to be seen as some predatory, desperate woman. Also because the ex left me for someone who could give him kids - I guess that figures a ot in my thinking and worrying. I just can't trust again and every day I make the decision to not have any relationships ever again. I don't want to date men my age as that is also problematic (I never meet any - they all seem to be somewhere else!)

 

So some days I just get down and wish that some man could convince me that he is trustworthy and good and would not mess me about, but I know that no matter how much they would try to assert their trustworthiness, I would still not trust. After all my ex took a year to assure me back then and just when I really felt trusting he left me for another woman. So what's a girl to do?

 

Work hard and party and enjoy friends. But sometimes it gets very lonely.

 

 

Terry

x